Dumb Luck

Being of extremely limited intelligence, I fell for an ad and ordered some supplements that are supposed to get your body into ketosis and keep it there, happily burning fat while the deluded user sits on the sofa eating potato chips and watching Frasier reruns. I wasn’t expecting magic, especially since I don’t eat keto, but the ad was a promo and the supplements only cost $10 so I figured it was no big loss if they turned out to be sugar pills.

The supplements came promptly and I took them but all they did was give me bed sweats. I did some research and found that they were basically useless–sugar pills in party dresses who’ve been stood up by their dates. Apparently, with the current popularity of keto, scams like that are cropping up by the dozens. So I tossed the pills and thought that was the end of it.

Then I discovered that they’d charged me $150 in addition to the initial $10. There was no explanation; they just charged it to my card. Thoroughly annoyed and feeling more than a little violated, I wrote to them saying that I hadn’t ordered anything else and demanded a full refund. They wrote back saying that their website clearly stated I had to cancel within 30 days or be charged the full value of the supplements.

Golly. $150 for sugar pills? That must be some mighty fine sugar. And it hadn’t yet been 30 days.

I wrote them again saying there was no mention of cancellation on the website and none in either of their confirmation emails. I repeated my demand for a full refund and told them I would be contacting the FTC, BBB and Consumer Affairs. (I don’t even know what Consumer Affairs is but it sounded good.) I figured it was a lost cause but worth a shot.

The next day they sent me emails saying that they’d made the refund and today I confirmed with my bank that I’d received the money.

And now I’m flummoxed. It’s like I dropped my wallet on a crowded street and went back an hour later to find it still there with all the money still inside it. I am starting to understand the origin of the term ‘dumb luck’.

Lessons learned:
-There’s no shortcut to weight loss.
-No matter how much weight I do lose, I’m never going to look like the girl in the bikini.
-Never respond to an ad that has grammar and spelling mistakes in it.

In yet another testament to my feeble-mindedness, I ordered some Chinese earwax removing candles.

They arrived minus instructions so I asked Mr. Google how to use them and he told me not to. More trash, but at least this time it was only $1. And the return address on the package is Dushanbe, Tadjikistan. Consulting Mr. Google again, I learned that Dushanbe (known as Stalinabad during the Soviet era) means Monday and the city got that name because a popular market used to be held there on Mondays. How delightful!

If I hadn’t ordered the useless earwax candles, I never would have thought of looking up Tajikistan and I never would have learned about Dushanbe. My life is now that much richer.

It was worth the dollar just for that.


4 thoughts on “Dumb Luck

  1. I love that you wrote this. And by the way, that girl in the bikini is undernourished and spends so much time doing crunches and sit ups in the gym that she doesn’t have time to tend a vegetable patch or spend with her dearest friends. I’m sure of it.


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